During second year we were asked to do a presentation of our biggest fear, mine being disappointing my family. I talked about how our families can put pressure on us. Our parents, our siblings, especially the expectations from our younger siblings. I talked about how when I failed, the first people that came to my mind were my parents.
I wasn’t disappointed for me, I was disappointed for them. The pressure on my shoulders and the anxiety that came with it were pretty hard to manage. But then, I realized rhat I was building a future for myself.
Of course, if I have the luxury of making them benefit from it it would be terrific, but the one I must put first is myself. The anxiety it brought was pretty hard to manage too.
And people have different archetypes of response when it comes to fear and anxiety. Mine was procrastination. I doubted myself so much that I always waited too long to do important things.
I ended up with a crazy amount of work to do and couldn’t organize myself properly. I was always stressed, always feeling guilty and I didn’t know where to start. What I found as solutions to the fear and anxiety was working on myself. Working FOR myself.
I was writing my future, it was my job to make it bright. Because my siblings will grow into adults and live their own lives. My parents deserve a comfortable life, but not if their child’s mental and physical sanity is at stake.
As for the procrastination, I made myself a schedule that I forced myself to follow thoroughly. Saying it worked a 100% would be a lie, but I made progress. I stopped blaming myself for the little mistakes and instead learned from them and did better. Discipline is not about being perfect and having crazy results, it is about consistency and improvement. Little by little.
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