Behind our backpacks we are human, we all have personal problems, fears and sometimes we feel like we don’t have resources but it’s not true. We do have resources, but we just need to think of the problem before and find it. Thanks to my English teacher we had the chance to discover our fears and to work on it. I personally have a lot of fears and problems but two of them became clearer to me. The fear of disappointing my family and my fear of failing. And if you have the same problem I could maybe help.

Disappointing my family  

I think this fear started when I was around 11 years old—though I can’t be sure. One of my cousins had completed a master’s degree and started earning a lot of money, which really helped our family. Since then, I felt this growing pressure to live up to that example. 

During my second year of CCI, I began to reflect more deeply on this fear. I realized that the fear of disappointing my family is tied to many things, including how I see my own social status. 

You don’t know me personally, but I don’t mind sharing a little about myself. I am the firstborn daughter, the first granddaughter, the first niece, the eldest sister and cousin—all in a traditional Albanian and Muslim family. Honestly, I’m proud of my roots: my culture, my beliefs, and my family. But I also know that, in many ways, my success feels decisive. I don’t feel like I have the option to fail. 

This has created a huge amount of pressure—both from my family and from myself. I want to succeed, not only for them, but also for me. That’s why I’ve been searching for ways to deal with this pressure, to better understand it, and to use it as motivation instead of fear.

Fear of failing

This fear goes with the fear of disappointing my family. But it’s not just about failing, it’s also about how I see myself. I set high expectations, and sometimes I feel like no matter what I do, it’s never enough. That’s where my low self-esteem comes in. I doubt myself; I overthink every decision, and I constantly compare myself to others. I think that is linked to my self-esteem, because I have a very bad one honestly

When I start something new, I’m scared of failing, because of that I procrastinate. But I’m learning that failing doesn’t make me a failure. Every mistake is a lesson. Every fear is a challenge I can grow from. 

But even though I tried, I still can’t stop comparing myself to others and I still can’t be proud of myself. I know that I’am just as capable than the others, but something in my head tells me otherwise. But sadly, that is something that I can’t change without changing my self-esteem, but I made a promise to myself. I can change and I know I can, and I will.